


Burying your free will

by ILoveMisha2, ImNotOfImport (ILoveMisha2)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt, Hurt Castiel, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Other, confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 13:58:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3328910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ImNotOfImport
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel thinks about Dean and "free will"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burying your free will

**Author's Note:**

> not my best work (when have i ever had best work lol)

The world has shown you hell but so has Dean. He’s shown you the fire with his actions but showed you the feel with his words. You tried to show him heaven but he never could fly high enough. It seemed as if he didn’t want to. And when he’d lace his words with adoration you could still feel the burn of hell beneath his skin.

 

 He could’ve made you cry if your grace had allowed it. He could make you do so many things, sinning right along with him.

 

 Soon heaven became less and Hell took over as you reacted to every command and every touch. You let him defile your grace and your wings; you let him play with your halo, watching him wrap it around his fingers.

 

You wondered if he knew, if he felt for the pain he caused you, especially the times he swore you never helped him as if your submission and lack of will wasn’t enough for him.

 

 Every time he called you, you were there. Every time he was angry, you obediently took the wrath he dished out.

 

You wondered how he dared to say such things but soon you realized that you had never put your foot down, not really. You wondered if he had ever showed Sam this side of him that was so warped and dark, requesting things he shouldn’t.

 

 He broke who you were, making you forget how powerful and holy you once were how you didn’t **_have_ ** to bow to him just that you **_wanted_** to.

 

Did Dean forget how he spoke of ‘free will’; did he forget you were a part of that group too?

 

All you ever wanted was his trust, his love. All you ever got was his fire and restraints.

 

 He tainted your vision of him, a vision of a man so brave and heroic who you now realized forced his opinions and hands around your neck. He was something so rare and difficult, how could you let him go?

 

You don’t hate him for the pain he has caused. You want to hate him but you can’t find it in yourself to damn him even more. You’re an angel of the lord, meant to protect and renew, not break and destroy.

 

But oh is he destroying you. 

 

With each demand he makes of you and each opinion he takes from you. He’s tied the rope around your neck, or maybe it’s a collar, either way it hurts you but you’ve found you’ve become quite addicted to it. You’ve grown accustomed to each accusation, each slur of intoxicated truth; each rough night that only signifies more. Even the concerned look from Sam doesn’t make you question your decision upon him even though you’re exhausted because you know more than anything that the one thing that will never change is the fact that you’re the one who saved Dean.

 

You’re the one who gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.

 

 But in the back of your mind you feel the need to tell yourself ‘if this is what **_saved_** is, I’d hate to see what **_damnation_** is’.

 

You think that just because you ‘raised’ him doesn’t mean you ‘saved’ him.

 

You know Hell is still lurking in his bones and feeding his movements, but like you’ve said before, you can’t leave him.

 

You can’t leave him and he knows that.

 

 As the collar becomes tighter you sink a little deeper with no regrets of your choice of ‘free will’.

 

You have no regrets because this, this right here, has always been your choice.


End file.
